sunday december 17, 2006 6:45AM
inside still closed eyes, i saw renate’s face. in beautiful profile. straight on.
“this could be a beginning of a story.”
and now awake. for now awake.
it’s the third week of advent. a third candle added. to increase the light as the light decreases. before it begins again to increase. and that’s the promise. history proves the promise. a long history of the light not letting us down. each year, like clockwork. waits sings;
“you can never hold back spring.”
body check-in; eyes caked with liquifying sand crud. the body doing it’s job. the eye rejecting the sand. turning it to a kind of eye mud and pushing it out. the calves hurt. tight and burning. left hip hurting, dull pain. fingers stiff. the throat choking me from within. hurts to swallow. some kind of cold.
“mr. hart”. john houseman’s voice. good movie paper chase. outside retains the dark. a hint, a threat of morning light.
closing time. the closing sickness creeping in. pray for the defenses to keep up the fight for another one show this afternoon. pray rather to surrender to the thing and do it. the angel has showed up at each performance. today’s one may be sneezing or holding his throat. or limping like lucky de likker. we’ll get through and more.
shishir sleeps crumpled up on the couch in the living room. i was so tired last night and feeling ill, just needing to sleep. selfishly i sleep in the bed. my guest and friend crumpled on the couch. ah he’s a healthy swarthy strong bastard. he’ll be fine.
some theatre people came to the show last night. from the new york theatre workshop. these theatre folk can be so dead to the magic. no innocence. their heads are filled with what they want to do. how they want to be seen. what they are not doing. who knows how the shit effects them. i couldn’t see the generosity in their response. perhaps for them, just to keep their eyes open was a generous response. though they did have that familiar air of upset at not being known.
today is the last show. what to do with the beard after? time to pack and discard. make sure i’m not leaving with too much more than when i came. take with me all that i can’t leave behind. like the richness of all this work and play this group of special people did to nurture into creation something good. something of value. something better than war. perhaps part of the war. the war on terror. we in cambridge, in amsterdam have been fighting the good fight. the war on terror. singing this saga of peace. it would be a good thing if ola were here today for this closing. it is a hard thing that she will not witness this completion. this “full circle moment, peoples”. i miss ola and am grateful for the missing.
the travel plans will fall into place today. God willing. new york from the 18th to the 28th. (this 28th would have been my parent’s 66th anniversary) then on to amsterdam to see renate. from the 28th thru her birthday on january 9 and then return to new york on the 10th. january 9. it’s always been such an important date. makes sense this is the day renate was born. happy birthday renate. then either do that court thing for the cell phone ticket on january 21 or pretty quickly rent a car and drive drive drive to the city of angels. outside is now light. i am still sleepy.
the following are notes from the first few days of rehearsal. around august 23 or so. some early thoughts here at the end;
wings of desire – sky over berlin
Q? – how much does berlin have to do with it? will we use that title with berlin in it?
“the more normal the better”. . . something said in rehearsal regarding the angels. this worries me.
Q? – who are the angels?
“the most human” “the most down to earth” “we are helpless”
Q? – can we help people to feel things? can we give pleasure, yet not experience pleasure?
Q? – what is damiel really missing that he wants to be human?
Q? – can we touch but not feel?
**angels listen. we witness and record. we observe. we comort.
Q? – do we disturb?
Q? – how do we walk on the earth? if we cannot touch things? how can we sit on things? why aren’t we always flying/hovering?
Q? – what is the difference between and ex-angel and an angel?
**we must address spiritual/religious views to understand.
there will be time and there will be time. . . once upon a time. just in time. closing time. i wish you were here. i wish i could talk to you, tell you how good it is to be here. but you’re not here. i’m here. and there you are! right here! see you soon.