american angel notes from the old new world (cambridge) – 35

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tuesday december 5, 2006 noon

today is my sister dawn’s birthday. happy birthday dawn. i realize for the first time my parents gave their first daughter the name of dawn. born during the first week of the glorious season of advent. the celebration of the waiting on the coming of the light.

dawn.

happy birthday dawn. i’m glad you are my sister.

dawn introduced me to carl jung and thomas merton and the apache’s of white mountain in arizona. dawn introduced me to thicht naht hahn and st. francis. dawn is a beautiful writer who lives an original life. she’s taken huge risks in her life. she is a doctor of psychology. she paints. dawn taught me the meaning of being an artist. following your own voice. she is my eldest sister. she sold me her green chevrolet van for cheap. it was a stick shift on the steering wheel. i listened to springsteen’s born in the u.s.a. as i learned to drive it alone along the canyon roads of arizona. as a child dawn inspired in me a spirit of freedom.

i am so glad you were born dawn. happy birthday.

i am moving into this apartment as we speak. i bought an advent wreath. and candles. to increase the light as the days get shorter. to welcome renate. to welcome Christ once more into my world. and now i clean and rearrange the furniture to please me. i will live here for two more weeks. that’s a long ass time. might as well live here.

 

friday december 8, 2006 3:53PM

at darwin’s.

peter and cusi arrive shortly. they will be staying two floors above due to the goodness of tracy. this way i can save my back further damage by moving beds. so excited to see them.

robert woodruff agreed to meet with cusi today at 6:45 before the show. i am glad they are meeting. they are people who should know each other. their talents will sing and dance.

renate comes tomorrow. excited and nervous. hadewych bought me white christmas lights to hang round my windows like mam’s. she feels strongly that this will impress renate and make her like me more. hadewych is an angel.

we went to the aquarium yesterday with kate. what a great place. hadewych came alive in the company of children. she was like a kid herself as she looked at the crazy ass fish that looked like floating celery mutating forgotten in the bottom of some hollywood fridge in single apartment off melrose and vine.

went to valarie kaur’s ice cream social last night after the show with jerry from the play. jerry plays one of the “elderly extras”. he drove me. we got lost. he is a joy.

met a guy from the divinity school who does body work. his bent is awakening the body in the Christian tradition. very interesting guy. had a great idea for a reality tv show. to do with electing the president. cross between survivor and american idol. don’t steal his idea anybody. he suggested i go to a “vibration” yoga class for free at the divinity school. woke up this morning at 7, went to the class in through the cold at 9:00. i was the only one in the class. one on one with the teacher. i liked it. i then walked the cold harvard campus and returned to andover hall and the divinity school to get a healing massage from andy, valarie’s friend. felt like i had slept for 8 hours on his table. in the braun room of andover hall.

4:32PM

the battery died at darwin’s. something to do with evolution. at home now in the warmth of my clean apartment.

my left hip hurts like a flat tire. i’m tired as a creep. today the cold arrived with the wind in a way that makes you feel it’s gonna’ stay on for good while.

wednesday december 13, 2006 12:35PM

empty wine bottle next to this computer. a lighter. some ashes. mark’s naked neil young harvest. no c.d. plastic case. renate’s scarf and purse on the couch. a picture of barack obama on the cover of usa today on the coffee table. he will be the next president of the united states. feel it strongly. a kind of return to camelot. i announce this confidently from cambridge. a stone’s throw from jfk memorial park.

renate is just finishing her shower. i am thrilled that she is here. the feelings are strong.

last night andy’s band at the middle east was truly a religious experience. as renate called them. . .”shamen” is shamen the plural of shaman? they inspired me in a big way. a band of listeners. a band dedicated to making each other sound good. a band dedicated to sharing their ample gift.

we had a 10AM show this morning for high school students. i loved it. loved playing for these wide eyed searching souls. felt the grounding weight of sharing the gift with them. sharing my gratitude and love of life and belief in love and wonderment. it was a good way to wake up. i love doing this play. i love becoming human. the becoming human has shifted. ola helped me so much over the phone. ola is a great great director. especially when she is not met with judgmental fear. especially she is met with love. i do not have amnesia over the struggle. the difficult times. all the hurt and misunderstanding. but ola’s heart is big. her wings of desire is all over the stage. her faith. her trust and her love. thank you ola.

down to our last 5 performances.

renate and i are meeting each other. she makes me happy. life is big. full of surprise and wonder. thank you. ramona arrives on friday, shishir arrives on saturday. i am blessed.

leave cambridge on the 18th for new york. and then. .

love,

bernie

friday december 15, 2006 5:35PM

renate, from amsterdam, the land of canals, the ij, the netherlands, the swampy place below the level of the sea. renate came to cambridge and reminded me of water. to drink it daily. renate brought her wetness.

just returned from the airport. kissing and kissing her good-bye. i am filled. there is no hole in the heart with her absence, but a filling. it was so beautiful. it is so beautiful. last night after dinner at daedalus. after dancing at the red line. she wanted to see the stage of the loeb. my card let me in to the empty theatre.

i showed her the stage. we showed each other this stage. this sacred space. where nightly i become human. last night we shared this stage. the audience silent and dark. all the ghosts reciting all that poetry. the miracle of the theatre. thank you a.r.t.

ramona did not get on the plane. i have two comps for tonight. i hope i find some takers.

a little sleep might do me good. right about now. leonard cohen can sing me to sleep. before i wake to tonight’s one of last 4 performances.

6:35PM

wake from this nap to an empty bed. an empty apartment. fortunately, a full theatre awaits next door. full stage. friday night full house. and a ginger tea from dado before. hopefully, i’ll find two souls for my two comps.

go now out into the world. greet shishir. who arrives tomorrow. give him the news. up to speed.

welcome shishir.

love,

bernie

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