thursday november 23, 2006 8:29AM. thanksgiving.
beginning this before prayer. before saying thank you.
43 years ago in dallas jack kennedy went for his throat. with both hands. as if he were going to choke himself. jack went for his throat to try to keep the bullet from passing through. jackie climbed out the back seat of the motorcade, not to take the hand of the secret service guy but, to try and retrieve the top of her husband’s skull. it seems, in their marriage, they had an understanding. her pretty pink dress reddened. pink pill box hat. his mother’s name was rose.
exhausted and sore before prayer. a bit scattered and lost. feeling largely like a bad actor. yet close enough to my morning prayer to know that this just might be a good thing.
jesse has been sick and i miss his joy. his joy is missing. we are no longer in amsterdam. i feel myself shrinking in judgment, at times, in rehearsal. judging others. judging myself. a crisis in humility. the dark side of pride. need to stay humble. loving. gentle. patient. and still tell the truth.
today is thanksgiving and my body is dry despite the expensive oil i bought at the old school pharmacy across the street on brattle. today is thanksgiving and the laundry is undone. i still don’t know where the washing machines are that will wash my clothes. i am no longer in amsterdam. not a canal in sight. waar is de prinsengracht? today is thanksgiving and i will probably not wash all the clothes now in the basket. i will probably just give them away and buy new ones. i am a rich man.
today is thanksgiving and i am so thankful for the new kenneth cole shoes i bought in soho on monday. i like them very much. and the warm long sleeved thermal t shirt. it’s white. and already a small vaguely yellow circle stain just below the neck. just below kennedy’s exit wound. and the new white shirt with some kind of ribbing. and 3 pairs of socks and 1 underwear. this buying muscle has been exercised and strengthens. my days of torn old borrowed clothes are over. the gap awaits me. i want to look good, damn it.
i miss everybody. i miss myself. now would be a good time to begin my morning prayer.
11:15AM. thanksgiving day continues
in the middle of prayer the urge to call the minifies in new york became my prayer. this beautiful family.
9th grade colby broke up with her boyfriend on their first date at starbucks. colby recommends the peppermint mocha. i will get one before rehearsal.
the miracle of prayer.
i am thrilled by the changes we are trying. big changes. today is thanksgiving and i am so thankful for ola’s courage. her risks. her huge risks. her struggle to create. the challenges. the things that just don’t come easy. and her return to love.
today is thanksgiving and i am so grateful that mam is such a good teacher and partner in flying. her gift is huge.
today is thanksgiving and i am thankful for the courage that is going to lead us home.
today is thanksgiving and outside it rains. i am thankful for the rain.
dear God, what did i do to ever deserve the kindness and generosity of so many people. robin young is lovely. today she celebrates her fist thanksgiving without her mother who died last december 28. on my parent’s 65th anniversary. today i celebrate my first thanksgiving without my mother who died on january 10.
today is thanksgiving and i am grateful for my mother’s life. i am grateful for my memory of her. i am grateful for God’s grace that keeps her alive in me and keeps her alive in the charles river and the falling leaves and the bare trees. and today’s rain.
today is thanksgiving and i am thankful for renate and harm and the mystery of love. i love that damiel lands amidst chaos. i resisted it. last night i was so exhausted and so attached to the image of before. damiel arriving in silence. this chaos, i like better. ola said to just see what this is. this is ola’s genius. truly.
today is thanksgiving and i am thankful for so much. the enormous gift and privilege to be an actor. to be paid. to work on material that is close to my heart. to be surrounded by such talented and loving people.
thank you. dear God, thank you.