american angel notes from amsterdam – 16

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tuesday october 3, 2006 19.52

end of our first day off.

in this new cafe. thought i could get on line and can’t. still i like this place better.

a glass of red wine.

thought i’d take a day trip to berlin tomorrow. just checked out the possibility at the train station.

friday october 6, 2006 12.09

such a big week. no occasion to write. even now, no occasion.

yesterday ola’s birthday. yesterday may prove to be the low point of it all. i pray it was the low point of it all.

we are all such mixtures within ourselves of pride and humility. stubbornness and openness. love and fear. control and surrender.

i am really glad that ola was born and she continues her life. seeking love. to hold it and express it against all odds. she has a quiet under the chaos that is to be trusted.

we are all so beautiful when we don’t hide.

only prayer now.

dear God, please open all our hearts to the wonder and preciousness of this time. please dear God, help us to tell Your truth. help us to express Love and Peace in our work and toward each other. dear God may we heal each other and the public and the world with our work and our lives. wake us up to this experience. the great honor and privilege that is our to tell this story. amen.

saturday october 7, 2006 13.00

just this rilke;

Who, if I cried out, would hear me among the Angelic
Orders? And even if one were to suddenly
take me to its heart, I would vanish into its
stronger existence. For beauty is nothing but
the beginning of terror, that we are still able to bear,
and we revere it so, because it calmly disdains
to destroy us. Every Angel is terror.

every Angel is terror.

our first try out in amsterdam went well. the play, the words, the people involved, we are blessed with a certain Grace. despite all we do to fuck up this work with our fears and small desires, our egos demanding their place, there is an amazing Grace that fills the air around us and protects us against our selves.

the stadsschowberg is stunning.

when fedja and i are rolled out onto the stage from the wings atop the caravan, it is as if the curtain is opening for us on the audience and they are our play, that is the stage that we get to watch with delight. whose story is being told here and who is doing the telling?

it is time to shut up and listen.

“i must decrease, so that He may increase.”

leonard cohen says something about that we are not made in love, but it is in love we disappear.

the miracle of the audience. the miracle of the individual with their huge story that sits with them in each seat of this old old theatre.

kim is right. whether they know it or not, they come not to judge but to be healed.

i am grateful for all my friends who read these words. because you are in my life, i feel less alone. whether you read these words or not. your lives make me feel less alone.

tomorrow we premiere. so what.

love,

bernie

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