tuesday. september 26, 2006. 7:41
while retaining my hope and belief, my faith, i don’t want to be stupidly optimistic.
to paraphrase eliot;
“i said to my heart be still
and wait without hope,
for to hope might be
to hope in the wrong thing.”
some early mornings in amsterdam, like today, are as silver as a good black and white movie.
all the swans in the city decided to spend the night in the harbor outside my window. slowly they float away to begin their work day. patrolling the canals. performing for the tourists. being taken for granted by the locals. watching everything. they carry little waterproof black notebooks, strapped on their bellies. they take notes. at sunset they meet outside my window and share their “news of the day”.
faith vs. dumb optimism;
sarita. my family and my dad. this play.
fellow cast members are unhappy. ola tells me to focus on cassiel and trust her and the process. in some ways we are lost at sea right now like henry hudson’s ship in search of the northern shortcut to asia. to ceylon. his crew chose mutiny. left him and his son to die in the cold. the crew returned to amsterdam and was pardoned for the murder. they never found the northern shortcut. there are no shortcuts.
we are all in this together. we are all giving our precious lives. all of us have taken huge risks and made huge sacrifices toward our belief in this play. there can be no mutiny. (of course there could be a mutiny) we must continue to struggle together. fight together. each must do their part.
cassiel – “shows forth the unity of the eternal kingdom.”
“we are one
but we’re not the same
we’ve got to carry each other
carry each other.”
that local stand-in in the elevator with sam shepherd on the last day of his location shoot, crying and wanting to fuck him, sad that the production was leaving town, taking the magic they brought with them. sam said to her; “it’ only a dumb movie.”
she said; “yeah, but not as dumb as life.”
none of us are here for the paycheck. we are here for love. the cost of love is high.
at restaurants here the word for the bill is “rekening”.
this wings of desire is a beautiful thing.
the faith i have is in God. “let it all happen.” cassiel calls.
the theatre at schiedam is beautiful. the amsterdam dutch are ungrateful snobs. i love them. we were warned and warned of what an awful place this schiedam was. their idea of beauty is tied to fashion and they believe it is not. maybe it’s not. maybe they just aren’t as stupidly optimistic as i am. but in the square in front of the theatre is a beautiful old church. at the side is some old old ruin, i don’t know what of. there’s a skate park for andris. the food tasted so good to me in the cafeteria.
i am now wearing a versace suit and shiny shiny beautiful black shoes. and a crisp white shirt with too long sleeves. just the right length. it feels real good.
in reality i begin this day with a thin layer of hope over a heavy blob of anxiety resting on the sure ground of my faith in God.
“open my eyes God, help me to see your face.” angels see the face of God. and carry this message to earth. the angels task is not to get people to believe in angels, but rather to believe in the goodness of God. to believe in Love. what a fucking exhausting job for eternity.
“Uw rijk kome,
Uw wil geschiede
op aarde zoals in de hemel”
i will miss mass this morning. the bus leaves at 9:15.
i’m late right on time. so blessed.
ingrid and mari at my father’s bedside. my friends visiting my father. he’s being moved out of intensive care today. he says he is so tired of living. he has the energy to say it. God bless us all.
“if it be your will, to make us well.”
thursday september 28, 2006 16:17
on a ten minute break from rehearsal here at schiedam. nick cave plays under and over this email.
“people. . . they ain’t no good”
rehearsal today is going well. it’s amazing how lost in so many places i remain. not knowing where to go next. so many changes. good changes. but so hard to get a grasp. we will get a grasp.
“the difficult is precisely an invitation.”
fedja is sick with a fever. he has been home these past two days. we miss him. we have kept it together pretty damn good.
yesterday was mam’s birthday.
the two italian brothers at the restaurant at the spui were culinary saints. i love them. they gave us a lemon after dinner drink made my their mother in napoli. i’m being called back to the last hour of rehearsal.