american angel notes from amsterdam – 9

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september 19, 2006

yesterday was one of the hardest and darkest days of rehearsal for me yet. i reverted at the end of the day to giddy laughter as a good substitute for tears. ola, wise ola, surprised me at the end of the day and said something like “you made a huge step toward cassiel today, i saw cassiel today, do you realize that?” everything felt wrong. my “homeless” clothes. the ripped pants and shirt. my long beard. my long unruly hair. my weak arms. felt like i wanted to take a bath and shave my head and lose all body fat and go naked. it felt my angel had become weighed down in unruliness. i longed for discipline. i longed for control. the hardness i felt yesterday seems now a falling in love. a falling. as in falling down and breaking one’s head and heart and landing on people and hurting them as well.

some sense of hypocritical justice arising in me. an angel does not judge. he testifies.

“just the fact’s, mam”

(funny, my first regular role on a tv series was a detective on the new dragnet. i carried around a moleskin in which i took notes, just as i do as the angel cassiel)

fedja is playing don carlos at night after rehearsal. a four hour play where he has to go through so much. betrayal of a father and a country. witness the martyrdom of his beloved friend. experience night after night this father wound. lose a love, lose a mother. lose it all.

cassiel loves damiel with the purest of loves. not a tepid love though. a true love that perhaps carries him toward his death. and birth. a love that invites.

fedja is playing damiel. i am playing cassiel. no accident. time to wake up. continue to be curious. love. the problems i am having are simply a lack of love. my selfishness. my lack of humility. my ego fear. i pray God for humility. for a continuing surrender. the level of fear in my heart is high. and poisonous. still, i’m fighting the good fight. the fight to surrender. the ironic fight to surrender. the fight for true humility and love. Christ Love. to become a man. to become a child. to become a man.

our great challenge as theatre artists is to inspire people to believe in Love again. with this wings of desire this is our clear and noble task. we can pretend it’s not. we can choose to not remember.

“the difficulty is precisely an invitation.” my challenge today is to believe in Love again. we’ve stopped, the public has stopped, i’ve stopped believing in Love.

“give us this day our daily bread. . .” Christ is the daily bread. Christ is Love.

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